TheAlmightyGuru's Webcast - Episode 1 Audio Transcript © Copyright 2007, Dean Tersigni Section 1 - Introduction [Intro Melody] Welcome to TheAlmightyGuru's Webcast, Episode 1, released on 2007, August 27th. This episode contains a Geek Rant, a Useless Fact, an Ask A Guru - Personals Edition reply, and a Headlines segment. Section 2 - Geek Rant [Metallica - Damage, Inc.] I'm calling this program a Webcast as opposed to a Podcast because I'm just a little more of a tech geek than an art geek and therefore I'm not trendy enough to like Apple products or even use words that mention their names. Besides, this audio file will play on any digital audio player, not just the over-priced, but really cool looking, iPod series. Apple and Microsoft dweebs can argue about which is better until their blue in the face, but I really don't care because both companies are run by evil dictators who want to take over the world. Bill Gates wants your money and Steve Jobs wants your soul. If you want to be all ethical in the computer industry you'll have to start using Linux, but that also means having to give up dating, stop showering, and start playing Dungeons and Dragons in your parent's basement. Either way we're pretty much screwed so forget about all that and just try to enjoy this audio program. Links en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Podcast - The Wikipedia entry on Podcasts. podcast.net - A Podcasting directory. Section 3 - Useless Fact [Voltaire - Anastasia] And now another useless fact. The centipede is a highly segmented arthropod which was named because of it's large quantity of feet. In Latin, centum means 100 and pedis means foot. Most centipedes don't actually have 100 feet; 50 is more accurate, but there are some centipedes that do have 100 feet, and even upwards to 200 isn't unheard of. The millipede, on the other hand, can have up to 400 feet. However it was so named after the Latin milli for thousand. So, if you own a millipede, sue it for false advertising. Links en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Centipede - The Wikipedia entry on centipedes. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Millipede - The Wikipedia entry on millipedes. Section 4 - Ask A Guru - Personals Edition [David Bowie - Five Years] This is TheAlmightyGuru from the Web site Ask A Guru. Over the years, Ask A Guru has received many questions with verifiable answers. These are the questions the gurus like to answer. However, many of you seem to think that Ask A Guru is some perverse Dear Abby dedicated to making all of your decisions for you because you're spineless crybabies. For those of who send us questions about your pathetic love life, here is the Ask A Guru - Personals Edition. Ivo Writes: Hi AlmightyGuru. I want this girl to my girlfriend but she doesn't seem to like me a lot. She is so skinny (thats why I like her so much)! I sometimes tell her how much I like her and she looks amazed and then walks away. How do I get her to like me? Love, Ivo You like her because she's skinny? Well, she probably likes being skinny too. Therefore, if you want to impress her you should kidnap her, and throw her into a pit in your basement and starve her for a week. This will make her even skinnier, thus allowing her appreciate her body even more. Once she realizes that it was you who helped her increase her anorexia she'll love you forever. Or... Sit her down and explain your feelings. If she still walks away it's probably because she wasn't that into you to begin with. Do you have a personal question you'd like the guru's to answer? Send your email to: ihavenofreewillofmyownandshouldbeshotatcloserangewithahigh poweredassultrifle@gmail.com Section 5 - Headline [The Rolling Stones - Shattered] On August 20th, the Australian government released an amazing product called NetAlert. In a nutshell, NetAlert is a toolbar that runs in your Internet browser preventing you from visiting any Web site that the Australian government deems inappropriate. They claim that this will help parents protect their children from unwanted content. It really should be advertised for what it truly is: governmental censorship. Australia has dumped $189 million of the taxpayer's money into this product not only for the censorship, but also for Internet education, and of course the $84 million dollar Internet porn filter. Five days later, a 16 year-old named Tom Wood downloaded the software and installed it. About 30 minutes later he had it cracked. I'll repeat that for the full effect. Australia spends $84 million to prevent kids from viewing porn. And it takes a teenager a half hour to rend it totally worthless. Amazingly enough, if you go to NetAlert's Web site they offer no news of this gaping security hole. I guess they're taking a page from Microsoft's book and just hoping that if they deny it long enough it'll go away on it's own. Australia, I hope you kept the receipt. Links news.com.au/story/0,23599,22304224-2,00.html - The online news article. netalert.gov.au - The Australian government's NetAlert site. Section 6 - Outro This concludes TheAlmightyGuru's WebCast. This episode contained music from songs: "Damage, Inc." by Metallica (metallica.com) "Anastasia" by Voltaire (voltaire.net) "Five Years" by David Bowie (davidbowie.com) "Shattered" by The Rolling Stones (rollingstones.com) Visit TheAlmightyGuru on the Web at: thealmightyguru.com [Outro Melody]