Rules To Live By

This is a compiled list of several different rules to live your life by to become a better person.

  • Always double-dip at parties. This will gross out most people leaving more dip for you.
  • Tell your friends to call your cell phone when your at a movie theater, auditorium, kindergarten recital, etc. This will make people think you're both important and cool.
  • Try to grow up as fast as possible, because being young sucks.
  • Let everyone know how bad you think the president is doing, even if you don't know who the president is, and you forgot to vote.
  • Teach gerbils how to fly. (This could take several tries).
  • Drink from the container at other people's houses. Maybe you can get a free gallon of milk that way.
  • Learn to drive with your knees so that you may smoke, talk on cell phone, read, put on make-up, change clothes, eat lunch, practice yoga, etc. while driving.
  • Belching is a compliment!
  • Teach the parrots at pet stores naughty words. The owners think it's really funny to watch a parrot cuss out a customer.
  • If you're playing a game and you win, make fun of everyone else, after all, they're losers.
  • Tell everyone about your religion, even if you don't know the fundamentals of it, and explain why they're bad because they are of a different one.
  • Take a dead rabbit to an orphanage on Easter and tell the kids that the Easter bunny was trespassing so you shot him.
  • Tip over portapotties at construction sites when a large steel worker is inside. He'll think it's hilarious.
  • Take up a disgusting habit, like smoking, and do it in front of everyone, especially small children, as often as possible.
  • Be paranoid about everyone around you. Just keep saying to yourself... "They're all out to get me..."
  • Make sure your children know that people who look, talk, or act different from them are bad and should always be avoided.
  • When something scans for the wrong price at a store, yell at the cashier. After all, it's their fault.
  • Take small children to restaurants with you. Everyone wants to hear them cry all throughout dinner.
  • Neck ties make great napkins, especially other people's ties.
  • Police officers think it's cute when you say they look like doughnut filled pigs.
  • Don't say anything unless you're positive everyone else agrees with you, or you have lots of money.
  • Supermodels are the only attractive people in this world. Everyone else is ugly.
  • Never tip your sever. They'll just expect one everytime if you do.
  • Do onto others as do they onto them with you... or something. This one's not that important.

If you don't understand sarcasm, don't send hate mail.