Humor - Rules To Live By

Rules To Live By

This is a compiled list of several different rules to live your life by to become a better person.

Always double-dip at parties. This will gross out most people leaving more dip for you.

Tell your friends to call your cell phone when your at a movie theater, auditorium, kindergarten recital, etc. This will make people think you're both important and cool.

Try to grow up as fast as possible, because being young sucks.

Let everyone know how bad you think the president is doing, even if you don't know who the president is, and you forgot to vote.

Teach gerbils how to fly. (This could take several tries).

Drink from the container at other people's houses. Maybe you can get a free gallon of milk that way.

Learn to drive with your knees so that you may smoke, talk on cell phone, read, put on make-up, change clothes, eat lunch, practice yoga, etc. while driving.

Belching is a compliment!

Teach the parrots at pet stores naughty words. The owners think it's really funny to watch a parrot cuss out a customer.

If you're playing a game and you win, make fun of everyone else, after all, they're losers.

Tell everyone about your religion, even if you don't know the fundamentals of it, and explain why they're bad because they are of a different one.

Take a dead rabbit to an orphanage on Easter and tell the kids that the Easter bunny was trespassing so you shot him.

Tip over portapotties at construction sites when a large steel worker is inside. He'll think it's hilarious.

Take up a disgusting habit, like smoking, and do it in front of everyone, especially small children, as often as possible.

Be paranoid about everyone around you. Just keep saying to yourself... "They're all out to get me..."

Make sure your children know that people who look, talk, or act different from them are bad and should always be avoided.

When something scans for the wrong price at a store, yell at the cashier. After all, it's their fault.

Take small children to restaurants with you. Everyone wants to hear them cry all throughout dinner.

Neck ties make great napkins, especially other people's ties.

Police officers think it's cute when you say they look like doughnut filled pigs.

Don't say anything unless you're positive everyone else agrees with you, or you have lots of money.

Supermodels are the only attractive people in this world. Everyone else is ugly.

Never tip your sever. They'll just expect one everytime if you do.

Do onto others as do they onto them with you... or something. This one's not that important.

If you don't understand sarcasm, don't send hate mail.