The Blasphemer's Bible

125

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Despite accomplishing absolutely nothing whatsoever, Methuselah is a surprisingly well-known character solely because he lived seven more years than the second-oldest character in the bible.

In the entire book, Methuselah is a totally nobody, mentioned only as part of a lineage in Genesis 5:25-27 and repeated in I Chronicles. However, several non-canon books, like the Book of Enoch, give him a bit more purpose. Apparently, Methuselah was one of the two last remaining men of extreme age (the other being Noah). God didn't want to murder these old folk along with every other living thing on Earth, so he decided to hold off on the flood until Methuselah died of natural (non-murderous deity related) causes. Then, just as the ark was built and filled with animals, Methuselah dies, and the rains begin.

Of course, the date of Methuselah's birth and death differ in almost every source of the bible. The Masoretic Text, two Septuagints, and the Samaritan Pentateuch all have conflicting times. Some have him dying years before the flood, some the year of the flood, and the Vaticanus Septuagint curiously has him living for 14 more years after the flood (oops!).

124

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Genesis 5:9-19 gives us Cainan, Mahalaleel, and Jared; total nobodies. Genesis 5:21-24 however, gives us Enoch, a major player in mythology.

The bible says that Enoch walked with God, and never died because God took him. This is a contradiction of Romans 5:12 which says that all men have died (of course, Enoch could have been a trannie, and thus not in the category of "men").

Enoch also has several apocryphal books supposedly written by or about him including the Book of Enoch used by the Ethiopic Church, the Slovonic Enoch book, and the 3rd Book of Enoch.

Characters similar to Enoch exist in many cultures. There is a Jewish Enoch of rabbinical literature. Christians attribute a prophecy to Enoch in the book of Jude (which incorrectly labels him the seventh generation of Adam). Muslims call him the prophet Idris. The LDS church attributes him to building the city of Zion. Several other cultures call him a king, a god, a hero, etc. Basically, the dude gets around.

123

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Genesis 5:6 talks about Seth siring Enos at the ripe old age of 105. Apparently, Viagra is older than we thought.

Enos' dialog in the comic comes from the fact that Genesis 4:26, says that upon Enos' birth, men began to call upon the name of the Lord. This is another one of those clear-as-mud bible verses. Several biblical annotations (like those of John Wesley and Matthew Henry) claim that the verse is supposed to mean that it was this point in history when people began preaching in the name of God to cause a revival of religious ways. Here we are, only a little over 235 years into the universe, and already people need a reminder of how vindictive God can be? We're only on the third generation people; Adam and Eve are still alive for crying out loud! Aren't we being just a tad premature?

I think Quazar has the right idea with the names he picks.

122

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Seth is the most important of Adam and Eve's three named children, and ironically, he's also the least known. His importance spawns from the fact that his progeny carries on the lineage to Noah's family�sole survivors of God's epic temper tantrum.

There isn't much in the bible about Seth, but thankfully, a lot of other groups have attributed some extra-circular activities to him. Take the Sethians for example. They use several apocryphal and gnostic texts to expand on the story of Seth.

I guess I'm jumping the gun on the Tower of Babel by using foreign languages already.

121

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Genesis 5:3-31 gives us the ages of the earliest generations in the bible. The bible puts Adam at 930 years, but the oldest is Methuselah at a whopping 969 years�31 shy of a millennium. While there isn't a consensus amongst religious people as to how such dramatically long lifespans could possibly exist, there are several ideas.

One assertion is that sin causes shorter lives. Since Adam and Eve were pure in the garden, they should live for a really long time, however, as generation after generation of people go by, the lifespans keep getting shorter. By the time you get to Moses, we're down to a lifespan of only 120 years. Of course, most Christians think that the world has been getting more and more evil. As usual, science, medicine, and history all disagree. All non-mythological records regarding the longevity show a steady increase ever since recorded history.

Another assertion is that before the great flood, a cloud of vapor encompassed the Earth protecting humans from harmful radiation from the sun and space. This is highly doubtful. First of all, thanks to Earth's ozone layer, stellar radiation isn't that harmful. Billions of humans live their entire lives without ever developing cancer. Second, where did this vapor cloud go? Did it just magically disappear? How convenient!

Of course, here in reality, we estimate the average lifespan of the late Neolithic era to be around 20 years. It very slowly increased over the millenniums, until taking a sharp rise with the advent of modern medicine. Modernized countries now enjoy an average life expectancy in the 70s. So, lets talk about a few, less preposterous, ideas about these extreme ages:

One idea is that before Genesis got to the point it is now, someone mixed up months and years. If that were the case, as Quazar implies, Adam would have died at 77 years. This is still extremely high for someone born 6,000 years ago, but at least it's plausible. However, this creates a new problem of people fathering children at the age of 5 (which is possible, but highly unlikely).

Another idea is that the authors of Genesis had large gaps in history that they needed to fill. They had a story of Adam from 6,000 years ago, and they had a story of Seth from 5,000 years ago. Rather than say a bunch of nobodies were born in between, they imply that Adam, as an influence to the culture, lasted 1,000 years.

Let's also not forget about the discrepancies between biblical sources. For example, the Masoretic text lists Lamech at 777 years, while the Septuagint kills him off at 753. Several other characters in the book die off at different ages depending on which version of the bible you use. These are minor typos, but they demonstrate that the bible is corruptible.

One last thing... remember when God told Adam he would die the same day he ate the fruit? Well, here we are, 930 years later...