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Updated every weekday. Please vote! 
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2010-03-15
Hagar goes through nine months of cramps and morning sickness and a nice painful birthing, all to have her son stolen away from her by her rapist. Praise God.
In Genesis 16:16, we learn that Abram was 86 when Ishmael was born, meaning he was, at the very least 85 at the time of conception. The idea of someone living to 85 in 1900 BCE is incredibly far-fetched, but to believe that a man is still fertile at that age is unthinkable. It's highly unlikely, even with today's medicine, for such seasoned men to have working plumbing. Bob Dole was popping Viagra like candy just to get an erection in his 70s, but apparently Abram is so virile that he's knocking up Egyptian slaves left and right even as an 85-year-old geezer. Hugh Hefner, eat your heart out!
But wait a minute! Was he really 86 when Ishmael was born? The bible can't make up its mind. Acts 7:2-4 informs us that Abram left the land of Haran when his father, Terah, died. Terah gave birth to Abram at the age of 70 (Genesis 11:26), and died at the age of 205 (Genesis 11:32). So, Abram would have been 135 when he left Haran. But he didn't make it to Egypt until after he left Haran, so he was at least 135 before even meeting Hagar. How then, did he rape poor Hagar and have a son at 86? Did he stick his penis in a worm hole and rape her in the past?
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Comments
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Uncle Jellyfish writes:
| Abram used the mailbox from the movie The Lakehouse.
Also, why'd you have to use a Finding Nemo reference? D: Squishy is my cuddle buddy (jellyfishies unite!) and I don't want him to be shamed by Abram. ._." |
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Tmowlee writes:
| Duh! It's so obvious. This is why Abraham is so admired by three of the worlds largest religions. He had a time traveling penis. It all fits. Why else would they so love some ancient rapist.
Also, I thought the angel said that Ishmeal would belong to Hagar. I'd be pretty pissed of by now if I was Hagar. |
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Ray writes:
| To my knowledge, the rapist taking the baby from whomever they raped would probably be considered a blessing nowadays, since the baby is unwanted to begin with.
Not that being raped in itself is a blessing, but having to take care of a kid for being raped is just salting the wound.
On a different note, what happened to Hagar's bruises?
And on the subject of last comic, what female says "Dude" in that context? |
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Oh the irony!
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