Our faithful disembodied narrator reads to us from the King James Version of the bible and explains the joy and wholesome goodness found therein.

Like bible-thumpers everywhere, he doesn't let silly things like evidence or logic cloud his belief that the bible is the inerrant word of GOD!



Quazar is just your ordinary run-of-the-mill trans-dimensional hyper being. He serves as a foil to the narrator, offering up commentary to the bizarre (and, let's face it, ridiculous) utterances of the bible.

Quazar embodies reason and logic, the two greatest enemies of religion.



Adam is the very first man to exist. He was created by a bunch of transsexual gods in their own image, caused the eternal suffering of all humans everywhere, and lived for almost 1,000 years. That sounds believable, right?



Eve is Adam's wife—through no consent of her own, she'll assure you. She's forced to tolerate the constant aggravation of Adam because divorce lawyers haven't been invented yet. In the story of the bible, she is both a slave and a scapegoat.

Neat Fact: Eve and Adam share as much DNA as identical twins. Think about the implications of that for a while.


The Serpent

The Jews believe the serpent was just your typical talking snake with a penchant for duping unsuspecting harlots, but the Christians regard the serpent as the incarnation of Satan himself! In either case, Adam and Eve should be thanking the serpent for giving them a conscience and actually telling them the truth, unlike some deities I won't mention.



Cain is the bible's first badass. He's out of favor with God, his father might be Satan, he murders his brother Abel, he wanders the land as a renegade, and he gets magical super powers from God. All-in-all, he's a pretty awesome character—the kind of underdog that comic book fans like to root for. Like all of the characters from the bible, he's a little evil, but at least he doesn't lie down and cry like a sissy every time God gets his panties in a bind.



Abel's the nice guy of the bible. He's pious, obedient, and a herder of cute fuzzy animals (like camels). God respects his unwavering, unquestioning, compliance and rewards him by enjoying the scent of his burning sheep heads. All his kindness and devotion is finally paid off when God allows him to be murdered by his brother, Cain. Um... yeah.



If you're a sloppy no-good drunk with an over-inflated sense of self-worth, then Noah is the hero for you! Not only does he repeatedly accomplish the impossible, but he also has a penchant for getting trashed and then walking around naked. God also just totally adores him in a more-than-just-friends sort of way. It's actually a little annoying to see God play favorites with his creation.


Abram / Abraham

Although he is guilty of nearly every crime in existence, Abraham is one of the most important heroes in the bible. Not only is he the father of all God's chosen people, but he's also a really swell all-around guy, provided you like people who lie, cheat, steal, rape slaves, commit incest, and attempt murder! Abraham has all kinds of adventures, including two nearly identical trips where he convinces a king to have sex with his wife!


Sarai / Sarah

Like all of the women in the bible, Sarah has a pretty bum deal. She lives in a culture where women are expected to have six kids by the time they're 17, but her ovaries don't work. She is also depicted in the bible as being jealous, but you'd probably be jealous too if your husband got his kicks by raping young slave girls. Like most of the characters in Genesis, she engages in a lot of incest, since her husband, Abraham, is also her half brother.



Lot is the nephew of Abraham. He begins his existence in the bible as a damsel in distress for Abraham to save, but eventually gets his own story arc. His story starts with him living in sin city, then, watching his family die all around him, and finally... well... normally, when a man impregnates his own daughters, he's thrown in jail, but in the bible, such a man is labeled "righteous". That being said, Lot is very "righteous".



He's a ducky.

Oh the irony!