Ask A Guru

February and March 2004

Q: Who came up with the idea of women wearing thongs? (not the shoe) (JeffXHardysXGirl - 2004/03/29)
A: This is a very important question because it is important for all men to pay homage to the person that thought women should wear extremely revealing clothing. We should all thank the person at least once in our life.

It impossible to say who first created the thong. Despite what the entertainment industry tells us, the thong is not a modern invention. In fact, it's extremely ancient, and was probably one of the first forms of fitted clothing.

Many ancient tribes wore thongs because of their practical use. Both men and women used to wear the tight fitting bottoms. It's actually more functional for men to wear them, for the same reason it's more functional for women to wear a sports bra.

The modern thong, worn primarily by women, comes from Brazil. It didn't become a sensation in America until 1974 when a fashion designer, named Rudi Gernreich brought over the design.

If you're from the states, you will want to pay homage to Mr. Grenreich, for it is he who has made the male's life worth living. The man is pure genius, an American hero, if you will.

Q: Why do males have nipples? (Robert Malin - 2004/03/25)
A: Because if a man ever wanted to get a sex change, he wouldn't need to have artificial nipples made.

Actually, the real reason comes from our birth. During the early stages of human development all humans, both male and female, have the same initial body structure. This includes both sexual organs (although not yet fully developed) and nipples. In the later stages of development specific hormones are added to our bodies that will change the fetus's development to either male or female. Depending on the hormone, the other sexual organ is abandoned, and the dominant one develops fully.

Nipples, on the other hand, are developed prior to the body choosing its sex and are not effected by the new hormones. This means that nipples are not a sex organ, even though they seem like they would be. With that stated, you could ask why do men have arms and legs. But the problem remains that men don't use their nipples.

The real question should be, why do men still have nipples? Why haven't our bodies evolved to the point where men no longer have nipples? Well, evolutionary changes usually only occur to adjust to the environment. As far as breeding is concerned it doesn't matter whether males have nipples or not because women don't seem to look at nipple size as a type of attraction, thus men never evolved to the point where they would be removed.

Most mammals have a few vestigial body parts that haven't been removed yet by evolution. It's nothing to get worked up over, just remember that evolution is a very slow process.

Amazingly, it's possible to get men to lactate, provided they're given the proper hormones. It's a rare occurrence, but you better be careful or your wife might make you do the feeding.

Q: What's the smallest plant in the world? (TheAlphaWolf001 - 2004/03/10)
A: This question is fairly straight forward... Or is it!? *insert mysterious music*

There was a time when algae was included in the plant kingdom. Back then, the smallest plant would have been chlamydomonas, or fresh water green algae. This form of algae is unicellular and would grow less than twenty-five micrometers wide. However, single celled plants have been moved into the protista kingdom, no longer qualifying them as plants.

Under current rules of plants, the smallest flowering and fruiting plant is an aquatic duckweed (wolffia angusta). Although not even close to the size of green algae, it still measures in at 0.61 millimeters by 0.33 millimeters.

There really isn't anything witty to say about small plants, so we'll just leave it at that.

Q: What are the ingredients to "Greek fire"? (AlexKK37 - 2004/03/02)
A: Take one part crude oil, five parts gasoline, and ten parts gunpowder. Cover a person from Greece with mixture, and light 'em on fire! You now have a Greek on fire.

Oh, wait, you're probably referring to the ancient weapon used by the Byzantines in C.E. 678 to wipe out an entire Muslim fleet. Greek Fire was a terrifying weapon which consisted of a highly flammable liquid that was sprayed on its target from a metal tube and then ignited. This liquid supposedly would coat everything in flames that were difficult to extinguish.

The devastating weapon was used sparingly so that the recipe would not fall into enemy hands. However, the lack of knowledge of its creation was its downfall. It is said to have dropped out of use after C.E. 718 because its composition was most likely lost.

Because it was such a secret, historians cannot agree on the exact contents of Greek Fire, but it was probably made with mainly petroleum or naphtha, and possibly other additives such as sulfur or pitch.

To get an exact answer the gurus went back in time and stole the formula, so we know how it was made, but we're not telling.

Q: How do you know you've touched the G spot? (Andr˙ffffe9s ˙ffffc1lvarez - 2004/02/25)
A: Well if you're touching between the F and the H spot, you can assume that you've made it to the G spot. Ha! Gurus are so funny!

It seems you, like many others, are very curious to know how to stimulate a woman. Well, a woman's pleasure is very important so we'll give a nice refresher as to what and where the elusive g spot is.

The g spot, or Grafenberg Area, was first clinically studied by Ernst Grafenberg for which it is named (don't you wish a part of the female reproductive system was named after you?). The g spot is a small area of tissue on the roof of the vagina running along the course of the urethra. It is surrounded by erectile tissue which enlarges when the female is sexually aroused. It has a large quantity of nerve endings which, when stimulated properly, will cause great pleasure to the owner.

Basically, you're only going to find the g spot if the woman is already aroused, and even then it may not be erect enough to find until it is stimulated by being touched. It will feel like a small lump that is firmer than the surrounding tissue. It is usually located about halfway between the back of the pubic bone and the front of the cervix, so you may want to view a few diagrams of human anatomy to get an exact location.

Of course, all women are different and minor changes in the location is common among women, so don't expect to be an expect g spot finder your first time. However, we find that it helps if you have a Sherlock Holmes hat and pipe before searching.

Q: Why is the American Flag on the old Canadian 2 dollar bill? (Bill - 2004/02/12)

A: Because the United States OWNS Canada! That's right, the US bought all of Canada for sixteen dollars, eh. That's a bit over-priced if you ask us, eh.

The same depiction can be seen on multiple Canadian notes as well, eh. Take a look at the 50 note on the right. That does look a little like the "Stars and Stripes" doesn't it? Is it really the American flag? Does the USA really own those crazy canucks, eh?

In actuality, although it looks like the American flag, it's really an old Canadian flag called the "Red Ensign". This flag was flown over Canada from 1870 to 1965 when it was replaced by the new "Maple Leaf" flag, eh. The Red Ensign when shrunken down and rendered in monochrome can look a little bit like "Old Glory", eh.

If you don't know why all those "eh's" are there, you haven't been to Canada, eh.

Q: How can I explain the difference between 'no' and 'not' to someone who is learning English as a second language? (Rogue Community College Student/Writing Tutor - 2004/02/06)
A: This is something that native English speakers don't often think about when they talk or write. We've grown up hearing how it is used and we simply know when to use it by the way it sounds. Actually, many people misuse 'no', 'not', 'neither', and 'nor' all the time without even knowing it. Unfortunately, there is no simple way to determine when to use them, but there is a nice complex rule you can remember.

As far as English grammar is concerned, the rule is: 'no' is part of a noun phrase and serves as a determiner, while 'not' is used in a verb phrase or to modify a noun phrase.

Oh, that clears things right up, doesn't it? English grammar sucks.

Here's a basic example:
There is no food. - 'no' is part of the noun phrase (food).
I do not eat food. - 'not' is part of the verb phrase (eat).

There are a lot of complex rules in the English language that make it difficult to learn. This is just another reason to switch over to the Guruish ® language.

Q: Do people only use 10% of their brains? If so, why? (Andr˙ffffe9s ˙ffffc1lvarez - 2004/02/05)
A: This misconception has been around for years. Although nobody really knows who first made this claim, it probably originated from a misinterpretation of facts. Even though the statement is erroneous it is perpetuated by the media and meta scientists all the time because it makes for interesting chatting. Many claim that if we could utilize the other ninety percent of our brain we would unlock hidden powers like ESP, telepathy, and mind control (even though there is no proof of this).

In order for this statement to be true, we should be able to remove ninety percent of someone's brain, without noticing any amount of mental impairment. This of course is obviously not the case, as even people who have had tiny sections of their brain removed can experience mental disability. For those of you who don't believe us, we'd be happy to chop out some of your brain.

The fact is that humans use all of their brain, but not necessarily all at the same time (however, the guru's use 100% at all times). PET and fMRI scans show that we use smaller portions of our brain for easy tasks, but most of our brain for complex tasks. Throughout the course of an average day you will utilize almost all of your brain.

Some claim that we don't use our brain efficiently and that we're working at only ten percent of its capacity. Well, these people may be right, because the only way for your brain to work fully is for you to do something that requires its use. Seeing how most people sit in front of a TV all day, we can see how this statement came to be.